What Hurts the Most
by Jenwyn
Summary: Ryan says goodbye before leaving for college. Chad and Troy have a talk. ChadRyan, Chyan slash


_What hurts the most was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing what could have been  
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do._

* * *

Chad watches Ryan smiling and taking his time with everyone.

Ryan hugs Gabriella as she bites her lip and holds on tightly, promising to write and call and everything. He offers Troy a hand, a little bashful and a little nervous but exceedingly hopeful, and can't keep pride from his face when Troy smiles and accepts.

He beams when Zeke wraps an arm over his shoulders and blushes at something Taylor says to him. He turns to his dad and also offers him a handshake, but finds himself squeezed in a hug.

He stands in his mom's arms for far longer than any teenager should be comfortable with in public. She whispers to him and fixes the collar of his shirt and shimmers of tears are in his eyes when he lets her go.

It's then that he turns to Chad.

But Chad stays with his arms crossed and makes no move forward. In his head, he's okay with this. But for some reason, actually telling Ryan goodbye makes him feel like he's being wrenched apart.

Ryan waits for him to say something. Or do something. His eyes are full of expectations – things that hurt too much for Chad to give.

Luckily, Sharpay steps in front of Ryan before he looks disappointed and demands attention, arms crossed, scowl in place.

Ryan's smile never falters, and he looks at her with such affection that her scowl softens into a sad pout. Gracefully, he leans down and lifts her in a hug.

When his flight number is called, he puts her down and waits while Kelsi lets go of Gabriella. Smirking, he kisses Sharpay's cheek and then offers Kelsi his arm, walking with her to the gate.

They look back and wave at everyone and Chad feels cheated and abandoned and stupid for thinking either. But he'd rather do anything than watch Ryan leave. With the exception of admitting he can't handle this.

Ryan graciously holds Kelsi's bag while she pulls out her boarding pass then trades her to find his own.

An empty aching pulses in Chad's chest and he wishes like hell that he'd taken the chance when he had it.

Ryan stops when he has his boarding pass in his hand and turns, glancing back at everyone. His mom and Gabriella wave again, but Ryan has already turned to Kelsi. She readjusts his bag on her shoulder and takes his pass.

He looks conflicted, but only for a second. Then he runs.

He rushes past his sister and his parents and Gabriella and everyone, and crushes Chad in his arms, practically squeezing the life out of both of them.

It takes Chad a moment to get over the shock, the impact, the clench in his chest, but then he hugs Ryan back just as hard.

Ryan's head falls and his nose presses into Chad's shoulder. Chad pictures him closing his eyes and feels Ryan breathing him in before he lets go.

Ryan doesn't say a word. Nothing more to anyone, but he looks at Chad with those eyes as he steps backward, no longer smiling.

His hands leave Chad's back, then shoulders, then arms, sliding along until his touch is gone. He stares at Chad, at him and no one else, and then jogs back to Kelsi. He takes his bag and disappears with her. This time, he doesn't look back.

Chad swallows hard and stares at the gate.

They're all looking at him. He knows they are. But, for once, he doesn't care.

He could see things in Ryan's eyes. Memories and opportunities and things that had never been said. Things that had never been done and probably shouldn't be felt, but they were all there. All those endless possibilities.

Everything Ryan felt. Everything they both feel.

And Chad keeps staring because he just watched it all walk away.

They all leave eventually, and tactfully don't say a word to him, either. Though Chad does hear Sharpay snipping because _she_ didn't get the last goodbye.

It's not really goodbye, Chad tries to remind himself. That is what Ryan would say. But Chad still can't help feeling like it's all gone. Ryan is gone.

He will be back. He and Sharpay could never be separated for long. But it'll be different. And Chad _hates_ different like nothing else.

He bends his head when he can't look anymore. He turns to leave but nearly runs into Troy who is still there waiting.

Troy looks at Chad and his eyes are too searching and too knowing and too blue, and Chad can't even look at them, wishing for just a minute that his best friend doesn't know him so well.

Chad knows Troy wants to say something, knows he's trying to find the right thing. He just hopes the words don't hurt.

"I didn't know he meant so much to you," is what Troy settles on.

Chad is quiet before he answers simply, "He does."

Troy bites his lip like he's afraid to ask. But of course he does anyway. "How much?"

Chad scoffs lightly. "You want me to quantify it? A lot. I don't know. It's all… untested. It's there but it's… not," he says, the last word a lump in his throat. Dismissively, he shrugs and starts to walk.

Troy follows him faithfully, watching closely. Under normal circumstances, it would bother the hell out of Chad, but his head is still reeling too much.

He'll be fine. Everything will be fine and he knows it. But he seriously wonders how long it will take before everything isn't blond hair and blue eyes and stylish hats and baseball and dancing and bursting into songs.

Can he forget something he doesn't even know?

Cautiously, Troy asks, "What about Taylor?"

Chad finally looks at him. "She's leaving, too," he reminds and tries to keep that from strengthening the ache in his chest. "Like you. Like Zeke. Like Gabriella." He waits to let that sink in and then adds, "It's over."

"That's not true. We're still friends. All of us. And _we_ are still brothers even millions of miles apart."

Chad stops and raises an eyebrow. "Dude."

Troy frowns, clearly trying as hard as he can to make this better. "Are you in love with him?"

Chad groans and starts walking as fast as he can. "I told you. No. I don't know. We never… There was never anything."

"Yeah, and I might have believed that five minutes ago. Before you refused to say goodbye and he decided he couldn't leave until he got a hug and you two had a Very Special Moment and–"

"I was there! I don't need a recap! Especially one like _that._"

Troy shuts his mouth and walks beside him quietly and then Chad can't stand it.

"Look," Chad starts, throwing a hand up and stopping in the middle of the airport. "It's fine. It's stupid. This is why I hate goodbyes. I'll see him again and it's not a big deal. Okay? There's no reason to be upset about any of it because there was nothing."

Chad pauses and repeats the excruciating words that leave bitterness in his mouth and too many thoughts in his head, "There was nothing."

His best friend stays silent and tries really hard not to give him a "that's obviously bullshit and you know it" look.

Feeling the hopelessness of defeat, Chad looks down at his shoes and whispers, "Why does it hurt so much if there was nothing?"

"Because there was nothing?" Troy offers gently.

Chad laughs and it's hollow and cynical, but it's not the ache of regret. He takes a moment and breathes, deep and slow, the way he was taught, then looks Troy in the eye. "I hate you for leaving."

"Right now, I hate me for leaving, too."

"Good," Chad says and half smiles.

Troy does smile and then slings his arm over Chad's shoulders. Chad leans into him for a few seconds and then resumes their walk to the parking lot.

"So," Troy says after a moment, bounding after him. "When did you realize you wanted a boyfriend?"

Chad stops and raises an eyebrow.

"Just asking," Troy smirks.

Chad rolls his eyes and then hears the chime of his cellphone. Digging it out of his pocket, he stares for a minute and then presses the _view_ button.

_way to be a made for tv movie right? ;) call you later_

Slowly, Chad grins and feels better in spite of himself.

Troy tips his head curiously, "What?"

Chad carefully tucks his phone back in his jeans. "Nothing," he says and smiles easily, walking away with his head higher.

"You know," Troy says as he chases after him, "I think we need to redefine 'nothing.'"

Chad laughs. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."


End file.
